I definitely like this version better! It was more entertaining and flowed better. c:
I did notice a few small things though!
"Things might had gotten bad iif Eridan had not gotten very sick." Double i in the word 'if'.
And one quick transition thing that I felt was a little awkward is this one in the beginning;
"The feeling of appreciation for that and the fact that even though they argued, the two started to enjoy each others company, lead to the two starting a relationship.
But yes, back to the dragon egg. They had managed to slip in silently."
I think it could be tied in a bit better by maybe mentioning how their relationship was why Sollux found himself in the hatchery etc etc or something like that. Unless the sudden transition is what you were going for! In which case ignore me. xD
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2012-07-03 09:38 pm (UTC)I did notice a few small things though!
"Things might had gotten bad iif Eridan had not gotten very sick." Double i in the word 'if'.
And one quick transition thing that I felt was a little awkward is this one in the beginning;
"The feeling of appreciation for that and the fact that even though they argued, the two started to enjoy each others company, lead to the two starting a relationship.
But yes, back to the dragon egg. They had managed to slip in silently."
I think it could be tied in a bit better by maybe mentioning how their relationship was why Sollux found himself in the hatchery etc etc or something like that. Unless the sudden transition is what you were going for! In which case ignore me. xD
Very good job though, I liked it a lot. c: