I enjoyed this, it's well written and the tense was constant. There's really only two nitpicks/suggestions I would make. The first is this sounds more like a mermaid than a siren, since mermaids were notorious for drowning victims and singing as well. Sirens are generally confined to an island/isle. It's up to you either way, I've just been doing a bunch of research on them for my own fic/art combo XDD
Secondly, for the part where Sollux starts remembering Aradia's death, maybe there could be some sort of memory trigger? That would make that section flow a bit better. It's up to you either way, both suggestions aren't vital and your submission looks good as is.
Edit: If you wanted to add a bit more to flesh out the story, some idea of when and where this takes place always helps out. We have an idea that it's somewhat 'modern' with the pills and restraints but no location.
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2012-07-03 06:33 pm (UTC)Secondly, for the part where Sollux starts remembering Aradia's death, maybe there could be some sort of memory trigger? That would make that section flow a bit better. It's up to you either way, both suggestions aren't vital and your submission looks good as is.
Edit: If you wanted to add a bit more to flesh out the story, some idea of when and where this takes place always helps out. We have an idea that it's somewhat 'modern' with the pills and restraints but no location.